Rule Six be Damned
by Motsie of Atlantis
Summary: Tony DiNozzo finally decided that he needed to find out who he really was, after all the time he spent in NCIS playing so many roles. Maybe if he could find out who he really was, he could find a woman to fill the void in his heart.


**Rule Six be Damned**

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 **Tony DiNozzo finally decided that he needed to find out who he really was, after all the time he spent in NCIS playing so many roles. Maybe if he could find out who he really was, he could find a woman to fill the void in his heart.**

 ** **Disclaimer:**** **I own nothing that pertains to the 'Mother Ship' as Tony calls them. I don't even have the DVD set for any of their seasons.**

 **A/N:** This story was started when Michael Weatherly confirmed that after thirteen years he was not going to come back after this season.

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 **Rule Six be Damned**

 **NCIS Headquarters, Navy Yard**

Gibbs came walking into the squad room and saw the objects lying on his desk, a set of credentials, a holstered P228, and an envelope propped up by the weapon addressed to him. Without even looking at them, he knew who left them there for him. Very Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo was no longer a member of NCIS.

Gibbs knew that the younger man had a lot going through his mind the past few months, but he had no idea that it would end up this way. If it came to this point, Gibbs would have expected Tony to come to him and talk it out, like a son with his father. He never expected for it to end this way, a few words set down on paper, with no chance of discussion.

In some ways, he was saddened that this was the way he was informed, but in others, it was sort of what he expected of DiNozzo. The man loved to tease and grandstand with the emotions of others, but he was a good enough agent to successfully hide his own emotions, most of the time. And Gibbs was willing to bet that he would not have been able to hide his emotions from the rest of the team, much less his boss. There was nothing more that the leader of the MCRT could do except open the envelope and read what Tony had written him.

Boss,

I'm really sorry that I am not getting a chance to talk to you directly, but I made a decision and I don't want to waver and change my mind one more time. I have gone back and forth over this so often, my head is starting to hurt. I think that this is the only right decision that is fair to you, to the team, and to me.

You know all the hell that I have been through in this past year. I suppose that I need to find a place somewhere in this world where I can be myself, without all the lies, all the deceptions. I just know that I will never find it here. There are just far too many ghosts here that I cannot deal with any longer, too many people who are no longer in my life, for one reason or another.

I'm not leaving completely because of what happened between me and Zoe. I really loved her and thought that I would spend the rest of my life with her. I'll say this for her; she played me so very well. I talked to Callen about it, like you suggested, and found out what she did to him. No wonder she beguiled me as easily as she did, she learned her craft at the feet of the NCIS master of deceit and disguise, the legendary G. Callen. So don't be angry at her. I no longer am. She was only doing her job, the same way that I had done mine so often in my career here at NCIS. It was just my misfortune this time that it was my heart ended up trampled on the floor.

In some ways, perhaps, I even deserved what I got from her, after how I screwed up the relationships that I had with two of the finest women to ever enter my life. Ziva David had already been assigned to be our liaison with the Mossad, when Tony DiNardo first met Jeanne Benoit almost ten years ago. You drew me aside after a little bit in that undercover operation, and gave me the typical warning lecture about getting too close, but of course, I knew better and would never be trapped. And then I fell for her, so damn hard, But everything in our relationship was a lie, except for the fact that I loved her.

When she finally found out who I really was, she gave me an out, laying an ultimatum in front of me, choose her or my job. Like a fool, I thought that I could have both. I chose the job and tried to repair our relationship. But it was severed beyond repair, and we both knew it. The last time that I saw her she asked me if any of it was real, meaning all the love I had professed to her. It tore my heart apart as I looked at her and said 'No'.

She must have felt the same way, because I could see her fighting back her tears, as she said to me, 'I wish I had never met you,' before she turned and walked out. We both were lying, and we both knew it. I had to do it for my sake. If I would have told her how I really felt at that moment, I would have gladly put myself under her spell for all eternity.

I thought that I had gotten over Jeanne when, eight years later, she again walked into my life, only this time, she knew full well who and what I was. I was discouraged to find out that she was married, but was extremely pleased that she looked to me to try to rescue her husband from terrorists. When the mission was successfully completed, she gave me a kiss on the cheek and again asked me if anything that we had was real. This time, I was doing it purely for her sake, respecting the bond that she had with her husband, and not wanting to cause her any emotional problems. Again, I told her 'No'. I was still lying, but I don't think she knew it. She looked relieved as she returned to the life she had with her husband. I watched her leave, jealousy filling my heart at the speculation of the life that we could have shared.

I don't know if the first time that Jeanne walked away was the first time I really considered Ziva as something more than a member of the team. Certainly my sexual banter with her started the moment she first appeared in the squad room. It was only half-hearted on my part while I was involved with Jeanne, but after that, I really noticed our little Israeli, who both fascinated and frustrated me. From that moment on, until shd permanently left, we had our on again, off again relationship. It was never a firey romance, except for a couple of times when it became physical. Rather it was more of a 'slow burn', that flared up for a little while and then and then was allowed to reduce itself almost to ashes.

Ziva lost so much while she was with NCIS. She had to take out her brother Ari Haswari, to keep him from killing you. Ziva returned to Israel and Mossad sent her into the hell of Somalia where she was captured and tortured for months. You remember how we, as a team, went into those satanic depths like avenging angels to rescue her. I told Ziva that I would always be there for her, if she needed to talk or just have someone to hold her. I never pushed, but she chose to battle her demons alone. It seems as if those terrorists took a piece of her soul, and that part never came back with the rest of her.

Her father, Eli David, was gunned down in Washington as he tried to broker a peace deal for Israel and Palestine. She changed so much after that. It's as if her heart no longer had any capacity to love, but rather was filled with hatred and revenge. She spent so much time and energy trying to become an American citizen, then worked her ass off to become a full-fledged NCIS agent, but turned her back on all that just to find and avenge her father's killer. She lost her new-found country and the family we have here.

When I followed her and met with her in Israel, she said she left to protect us. I don't believe that for one minute. She ran back to Israel to protect herself. There was nothing for her to live for here; all the memories were slowly killing her. The last time I saw her, she told me that she had to find out who she really was and what she really wanted in life, Obviously, she didn't want me.

So, like her, I need to go out and find out who I really am. I have played so many roles while I have worked here that sometimes I do not even know who I am. There may be someone out there with whom I can share my life; I have no idea. But before I can find her, I need to find me.

Tell McGee I wish him and Delilah all the best. Give Abs a Caf-Pow and tell her not to cry for me. Take Bishop under your wing and tell her to follow her heart. Remind Ducky to take it easy and enjoy the second chance in life he has been given. Point out to Jimmy and Breena how dangerous it is out in the world today and they have to raise Victoria Elizabeth right. And you, Gibbs, keep looking. Someday you will find someone who can fill the empty space in your heart, even though they could never replace Shannon and Kelly

And now, finally, the spotlight that has always shone so bright on Anthony DiNozzo, Jr., like the spotlight on the empty stage was swept up by Carol Burnette's cleaning lady character at the end of each episode of her show, is being swept up into a smaller ...

and smaller circle ...

until it is ...

GONE

 **. . . . .**

Gibbs just sat there for a few minutes, trying to process what his eyes had read. He scanned parts of it again, wondering if the words had somehow changed, if Tony would be coming in after all, no matter what the words on the page said. He shook his head as he laid the pages down, knowing the answer. Tony would not be coming back. Not today. Not ever.

When he really thought about it, Gibbs was surprised that Tony had stayed for the last thirteen years. It was not that he he didn't have any good chances to move up at NCIS; several years ago Director Jenny Shepard came to Tony and offered him the job of Operations Manager of the office in Rota, Spain. To everyone's surprise, Tony turned it down and chose to stay as a 'Very' Special Agent in Charge of the MCRT. Would taking that promotion have kept him at NCIS? God only knew. Certainly this letter showed why it never happened.

As he laid the pages back down on his desk, he looked up and saw McGee and Bishop had come in and were looking at him. Both agents knew not to interrupt him while he was thinking. Now his mind was diverted to the other two. _Damn it DiNozzo,_ he thought. _Now we're gonna have to rework the whole team. McGee and Bishop would have to move up, Tim to agent in charge, Ellie to full-fledged agent. They would need to get a new probie to fill out the team._

His phone buzzed, and he pulled it out to look at the text. After reading it, he got up, and started headed toward the elevator. "Gear up. Dead Marine over in Silver Spring."

McGee looked at him and asked, 'What about..."

"Not coming. Let's go."

The three of them got into the elevator and the door closed. The squad room was left completely empty.


End file.
